I don't know what I would call it. I do not want to call myself atheist nor agnostic. But there is just something about the people who worship God on Facebook that bug me. Do they have to show their affection because maybe they are ... not for sure how they are feeling about God, or... maybe they feel like they have to show the whole world because they are not fully cracked up into religion like they want to be? I honestly really dislike reading "Oh how I love you Lord!" and BS like that. It's like they have to show it off to prove to themselves that they actually believe.
All I know is ... I don't believe in God, or Heaven or Hell.
Do I have to believe in anything? I find it hard enough to believe in myself... Let alone something that no one can prove.
My husband and I were talking about it... (neither of us believe), but we sort of think that religion was made to control people. It did provide some great morals and values... Thou shalt not kill, etc etc. So I guess there was some good out of it. But, that really should have been there from the beginning.
We also do not really believe in evolution. If we were evolved from primates, like they say... Why are there still primates? I am not sure where I am going with this.... But it is not something I wish to put on my public blog. Just here at Elowel (since I have been on and around it for... I don't even know how long anymore... almost 10 years?).
I really do not mean to offend anyone, if you happen to believe. I sort of wish that I could believe... So that I could be like the rest of them... And kudos to those that DO believe. I think it is a feat in itself, to believe something like that so... thoroughly, and sometimes undoubtedly. It's sort of amazing.
Do any of you have to rely upon other people for money? The hardest thing about being married to someone in the Military is that we really don't make that much money... And, I can't really get a job (that I would even like). But then again, do I really want to work? If I worked I would have to worry about asking for vacations, working on the weekends, and all that. Why on earth would I really want to work while living in Germany?!
I honestly wish that I knew the German language so that maybe there would be a possibility of me working on the economy... But I don't even think that is possible for an American... Ah well. I still want to learn German.
Anyway... I think I have really been kind of depressed lately because of the fact I have to rely on Husband for the cash monies. He is really good about letting me have my freedom... But it is just weird to get used to asking someone for some $$. I never even did that with my parents... It's really great to not work... but it kind of sucks that I cannot just spend the money however I want.
What I would like to do:
-Paint the apartment (we will be here for 3 years... and it would be nice to feel like I live in a home... this place does not feel like home yet. It's kind of weird how one place will feel like home, and the next place... not so much. Korea, even though we were in an apartment there, felt like home... I am thankful that we are allowed to paint... but it is really hard to pick out colors! I still need to do some shopping around because... I have no idea what is available on the economy... or even if they have paint chips here! But it feels so permanent and we have to paint it white again before we leave. I think it could be a fun project... But it is so hard to decide on color...)
-Get new furniture. (I really want some nice furniture. But it is so hard to find anything, couch-wise, that is actually comfortable... They're all pretty much like pretty rocks.)
-----------I never really had a problem with used furniture, and know that it can look pretty darn cool. But husband and I cannot seem to agree on anything. He wants BLAH things... he has no taste what-so-ever, and I think that he should just do what I want... lol. I am here WAY more often than he is. And he might deploy... and I will be left here alone... It's difficult. Anyway. His taste is very... woodsy... which is great... For a man cave bachelor pad... But not for our home, my home... I need bright fun colors to look at and be happy. This is the first time (well we had one in Korea too, but all the furniture was provided and we couldn't paint or anything) I have had my own apartment (even with another person). I want it to feel like home. I want to be happy coming into the apartment.
When we first got this apartment, I was really disappointed because I really wanted a balcony... I would have stayed in the stupid one room hotel for a month longer even if it meant that I would get a balcony... But they made us move into this apartment. It has a negative stigma for me... I mean... It's fine. I have a place to live. It's not on the top floor, it's not on the bottom floor. But there is NO BALCONY. And husband is not high ranking enough to be able to live out on the economy (which would have been WAY BETTER). blah blah.
Anyway. How do you pick out colors for your house?? I am kind of afraid! It's so decisive!
Other things I have been dreaming about:
-Sewing, I want a sewing machine. I really want to make a quilt... and some nice curtains. I think it would be nice to be able to make something that is useful... It would be different than scrapbooking, or art journaling... It could be used everyday... for years to come. --- Husband said that it is out of the price range for us though...
I think I have this fantasy of how much we really make. I don't think my brain is comprehending that we don't actually make that much. It's hard. Bleh. So much compromise... I guess I will get used to it eventually...
Wedding. Korea (7 months). PCS. Germany (currently and for the next three years).
We are in Germany now. It's gorgeous here really... But for some reason lately I feel all depressed and sad inside. It's seriously weird, how I feel. I know I should be super happy with everything... But alas, I am not.
More another time... 10pm here in Germany.
I MAY have envisioned my perfect house...
I MAY have... Found the PERFECT wedding dress...
I MAY have... found the PERFECT wedding RING...
I may have done these things in the last couple of days... Maybe.
Why is it some days where you just feel absolutely out of contact with the human world? Maybe not verbally but, physically?? I need a hug I think.
Also, why is it that I still feel so terrible about not having any homework done but keep going through each day... not getting it done? Why do I care and not care at the same time???
AND ALSO... Why is it that I find the way I feel about Dan so distracting that I cannot accomplish anything important? How can I manage my time? My brain is sooooo preoccupied! UGH.
ps. The post office workers are retarded.
pss. I feel whiny...
Well Dan, from the last post titled "Best Spring Break Ever". Is FANTASTIC. hahah.
He shipped off to Korea on April 6th and I think we have talked everyday via yahoo/skype. Things are going well. He and I decided that it would be worth it to do the long distance thing. I have never wanted to do the long distance relationship before, so I really think that the fact that I WANT to REALLY says something. I have high hopes.
The kid who went into the Marines in Jan. came back last week for leave, I had to tell him that I was no longer romantically interested in him. I felt a little bad but, it felt really nice to be upfront and honest with him. Dan (now the boyfriend) was nice enough to listen to the situation and give his honest opinion on how I should go about things like that. It was super cool of him.
Things lately though, with school have really been spiraling downward for me. I was sick from the 7th until the 15th with bronchitis and that REALLY sucked... I am officially three weeks behind in two of my classes and have yet to turn in anything... Here i am sitting with my book open, I need to write a 2 page response paper (very particular in format and what we need to write) but I am just not clicking. My brain is no longer working properly and that really just sucks. I am not very sure what to do about it. All I can think about lately is Dan and how much it would be awesome to be in Korea with him... I have been particularly pathetic lately in the way I have been thinking. All girly and shit! Like, it's sort of scaring me! Like, I have already pretty much decided that I want to marry this guy (and I even told him that... haha!), I have imagined things like, the wedding, and even kids (yeah WTF?! KIDS? Since when was that an option I wanted to take?!) ... I don't know what is wrong with me. *sigh* This is getting ridiculous though.
I have no motivation for school. I just think that Dan and I should just get married, I will move to Korea lol.... and finish school later. Or something. Hahahah.
That is all...
March 20, 2010
Was invited to a BBQ by a couple of guys that I met one time (and hadn't seen since) in December. Met them through a mutual friend!
The BBQ was awesome, alcohol, steak, potatoes, new people to meet, and awesome everything. Spent the whole evening chatting it up with Dan. A guy, 29, who just got out of training and basic for the ARMY. That is what the BBQ was for, Dan, he is/was on his leave before he get's shipped out to Korea for a year. We really clicked, we talked pretty much all night. He walked me to my truck, on the way there we were talking about what I wanted to do with my spring break. I said that I wanted to go to the beach because I hadn't been in so long. He said something along the lines of WELL GO THEN! lol, and you know, money was the issue, so he replied "Well you're a good looking girl, why don't you get some guy to take you?" So I looked at him and asked "Do you want to take me to the beach?" he said, "Does Wednesday work for you?" haha PERFECT. He kissed me on the cheek and I drove home.
March 22, 2010
Another BBQ that i was invited to by them. It was super fun, I tried Drop Top, delish... lol. I wasn't really a beer drinker but it was the alcohol that was available. Dan and I just hung out a bit, I met a lot of their friends, and they all seem like cool people. I spent the night over at Dan's and his brother's house because, I couldn't drive... lol. Yes, things happened. haha. Anyway... I stayed there.
March 23, 2010
We all went to breakfast, it was so delicious, definitely the best cure for a hangover, hashbrowns, eggs, toast, sausage, coffee... mmmm. His friend was visiting from WA that kid was awesome, he ate so much for a skinny kid. lol. We hung out all that day and did pretty much nothing, that was our absolute nothing day. It was fantastic. I think we watched like... 5 movies... Later in the evening we went out and did something... I can't really remember what exactly had happened... but we did something... that wasn't lazy. lol. OOOP I remember, we went down to a brewery... cannot remember the name off of the top of my head... but they serve German food... and its on the other side of the river... closer to Lloyd Center... haha, and then we hit up the Mcminemen's that is down there too. I am pretty sure I stayed the night there again...
March 24, 2010
BEACH day! We kinda got a late start because... it is awfully hard to get out of bed from cuddling and such... haha. I know, so mushy. But the drive down was so much fun, we stopped in McMinnville to see my cousin, and we ate at the Mcminemen's there... ahha. He was so sweet to buy everything and was down for meeting up with my cousin. So cool of him. We also stopped to see one of his buddies too. We were passing the prison in Sheridan and LOL, my gosh, Dan does these voices... one is a hillbilly one, and it really really makes me laugh every time! He is soooo hilarious. So anyway, we finally get to the beach around... I dunno 5-6p and we are checking out the hotels and such in Lincoln City, we were going to try to get one in ... grr... I cannot remember the name... ahha. anyway So we are on this little strip of like 4 or 5 hotels that are right on the beach... So I decide that we should walk on the beach to decide which ones are the best ones to stay in. His criteria was that it needed to have a jacuzzi in the room... so I see these ones with the jacuzzis on the porch, so we decide to go in there and rent the room. It was super cute and everything. BUT man... $200! I stayed in my first really expensive hotel room ever! Haha there was only one thing wrong with it! It had the letters for the word ROMANCE spelled out on the window sill, and I said... "Ya know Dan, I am not very romantic so we are going to have to figure out something else to spell with that word..." So then we went to a restaurant and got some delicious foods, and we also went to the liquor store so that we could drink and sit in the jacuzzi! It was awesome... When we got back, I had decided that we needed to remove the A from the ROMANCE and spell out CORN ME... ahha. It was pretty funny to say the least...
March 25, 2010
This was a fun day, we ate at this one place... dont remember the name of course... but after we ate we went to go see the sea lions on Newport Bay, lol... one of the questions he asked me before we got there was "Do we need to harass the sea lions now, later, or periodically throughout the day?" and of course I laughed and definitely chose the latter option! haha. So we went down there and had some coffee and checked out the sea lions. They are so super cute. After that we hit up the OSU Marine science place... and that was meh... but it was fun walking around there, THEN we went to the Oregon Coast Aquarium and we snuck in "water" bottles... filled with Green Apple Smirnoff Vodka and sprite... haaha. We got in to see the JellyFish and we decided to start in on our 'water' and it goes... SPPPFFFTTTTTT (like a soda bottle) ahhaha! We're all... "This WATER is delicious...*achem cough achem*" So we were a little buzzed when we left there... lol. And we decided it was a good idea to stop at the Rogue Brewery that is right by there! I tried some Hazelnut Brown, mmmm it was good! We really wanted to go to the sea lion CAVES but they were closed :( poo. I was kinda sad about that, so then we just went back to the sea lions down at the bay and said hi one more time. I also named one Exavior. He was bad ass. Then on the way home we stopped in Depot Bay and had some clam chowder, mmm. It was good stuff. The drive home was kind of boring, but that's okay. I dont really remember what we did that night... but it was something cool!
March 26, 2010
I think this day was another nothing day... OH WAIT... we did laundry, and a whole lot of nothing. It was so awesome. EVEN LAUNDRY was AWESOME. Seriously.... oh man. We did our laundry together, i think because we did not want to be away from each other, it was so fun. Then while our laundry was drying we went and had some food and a couple of drinks at the bar that is near them. Then we went and folded our laundry which was ALSO fun! haha. And our mutual friend Jeff (who I met them through in December) came for a visit! That was fun, Me, Jeff, and Dan then went back to the bar and had a couple more drinks. Fun times.
March 27, 2010
So Dan took me home so that I could shower up and everything so that I could work this day... man, that day sucked so bad for work. I really really really didnt want to be there. I was invited to another BBQ (yes lots of BBQs with these boys lol) that night, which I totally went to, it was awesome... and then I had to go back home because I had to work at 6a! Oh man. that sucked so bad, I stayed up so late each day that I was hanging out with Dan... Like... past 2a! It was so hard to go to bed! ugh. I didnt end up going to bed until like... 2a and had to get up at 4:30 so that I could leave and be to work on time!
March 28, 2010
I usually am really stoked about doing the early shifts because they are the Truck, which is usually always really fun but, we were shorted two people and there was this one girl there who would not shut the fuck up!! ugh, and then there was this other girl working who is always just in a terrible mood all the time. Dumb bitch... grr. haha. I am still mad about her being bitchy at work... how do people not learn to leave that shit at the door? I have told her that she should quit already... lol. That 5.5 hrs was the longest shift ever. Seriously. Ugh. After that I had lunch with a friend and then immediately went back to hanging out with Dan again. Haha. oh man.
March 29, 2010
This day was the start of summer term, i had to drive home from Dan's so that I could shower and get to class on time. Class was boring... blah. After class Dan and his brother picked me up for ANOTHER BBQ in Gresham, it was okay but... I dont smoke pot and Dan doesn't either, so we were the ONLY ones who didnt smoke... and there was like... 10 other people there... it was sort of uncomfortable for us... But to say the least... the food was fucking fantastic! Then we went to a bar and had some drinks and played pool. It was good times. Although there was this like big mexican guy there who tried to talk shit and start a fight and stuff, but dan simmered it down. It was awesome. I had to get dropped off at home though... :( Which really sucked because I had class at 10a the next day... but I got a good nights sleep... although Dan and his bro locked themselves out of their own house... but come to find out for some reason the key was in the lining of Dan's jacket... haha. So they were frantically trying to get into their house all late and for so long... and it was in Dan's coat... funny shit.
March 30, 2010
Went to class and it was boring. lol. But I got lost! because they changed the location of the room. jerks. So after class Dan came and picked me up and we went to the Bridgeport brewery down here in downtown and I tried some nummy Slam Dunkel, it was goooood stuff. and dan bought me a glass from there. And we hung out with one of his old high school friends, that was pretty fun. Then we went back to Dan's but hit up the bar on the way home... haha. For some food!
Today... he dropped me off at home this morning and I had to get ready for class. but today he had decided that it was a brother day, which kinda sucked for me because I realized how much I liked him today. I am so completely pathetically infatuated with him. Why does this happen to me?! He totally did wine and dine me though. Paid for EVERYTHING. Seriously, I did not drop a dime this past week and a half. He is awesome in bed, and he is totally awesome just all around. He is such a gentleman and took such good care of me. But REALLY, why do I have to have such terrible timing on these dudes? He is leaving for KOREA next tuesday, the 6th... It sucks so bad. How much more pathetic am I for even thinking that I would totally marry this guy if he asked?! I was really surprised when my brain went there. I was like, WHAT?1 BRAIN?! What are you talking about... yeah. I cannot believe ... anyway. We just clicked so well, so fast... and now he is leaving in a week... *pout*
I know this is terribly long and really boring, and quite pathetic... but I just dont have anyone to tell this awesome stuff too. I really really really like this guy. Damnit.
I have until 5p tomorrow to write and turn in my final paper for Arch100. So glad to be almost done with this term. I have my last final on Monday. Thank god. (Almost two full weeks of Spring Break, FUCK YEAH)
Today, I was talking with my friend. And he made me realize that I can only dream that people would miss me as much as they miss him if I moved away. I sit here and beg the best friends that I have that are away to come home and visit. Will anyone do that for me if I move away? I feel like they wouldn't.
I was doing more research into which military service I would like to join in today... I am now officially leaning toward the Army. They seem more proud of what they do. *shrug* And I think there are more options there. Still doing research though. Nothing definite yet. Still definitely waiting until after I graduate. So I have about two years anyhow.
Still getting letters from the boy in Marine Basic. So nice to hear from him. To know he cares enough to spend his hour of free time writing to me. I am thankful for that. I write him constantly.
He gets 10 days of leave in April. I cannot wait to see him.
The only thing I am stressing about this is that... I mean, we broke up before he left. So I am single. I have been with other guys and such. I am currently hanging out with a guy, no label, nothing really, some sex... lol. But that 10 day of leave time, what if I get a lot of time with Marine guy? What happens to other guy? I mean... I dont know. I have just been thinking about that. But I really think I am just going to cross that bridge when I get there...
Not really much to say, but I did decide something of sorts...
I pretty much have to just do my Math degree, screw all this back -tracking bullshit of all that is switching my major. haha. I just need to suck it up and deal for the 40 some odd credits that I need... that is all.
Also, in sticking with Math, I get a $1,300 SMART Grant every term :D. Haha. Definitely an incentive.
And, I also decided that I am just going to graduate and then go into the Air Force for a bit, I really think it will make me feel... something.
Oh, I got letters from the boy in Marine Basic, those were very nice.
Last week I had the sickness from HELL.
And casual sex with an ex is STILL a bad idea. yes. I keep learning this valuable lesson, time and time again.
I would like to go out on a date.
I miss being artsy, I think I need some feemo...
I suppose lame things come in threes... I am only on lame thing number two...
The boyfriend... well.. I guess he is no longer my boyfriend officially... I will get to that in a moment... Anyway. He left for Marine Core bootcamp... yuuuup AND ... He said that he didn't want me to sit here waiting for him. That he wanted me to have a life of my own while he was there, that he would write and talk to me when he could. I guess he just felt solely responsible if I missed out on anything worth while, while he was gone... I could see where he is coming from and he is a pretty smart guy... HOWEVER I told him that I was willing to wait for him while he was gone. And I still am. I think I may... even though. Partially because... I am really not interested in anyone else and because well... *shrug* I dunno. It seems worth the wait. I was pretty upset about that for a few days but I think I have come to terms with it and will eventually change my relationship status... eventually When i feel stronger about it. It still sucks either way but I can deal I think.
The other thing that happened to me is that my best friend of 8 years, a dude, I might add, decided that he could no longer handle being friends with me any longer... This was very confusing for me. He said that I stressed him out when he was around me. This really put me off, I was totally confused at this point. But apparently even though I have always said that I wouldn't date him again (he and I dated like... 8 years ago lol Freshman year in High School) and ever since then we had been friends... OR so I thought... But apparently he is still in love with me... and he cannot handle being less than that any more. WEIRD. It is so odd for me to think that he is not going to be there for me anymore... I was always there for him, always, even though most of the problems in his life he had made for himself. *shakes head* Throughout all of the guys I have dated pretty much the first thing that I had said was "My best friend is a dude, either deal with it or take a hike" I don't get rid of my best friends for boyfriends, never ever. I feel sort of betrayed in a way and am unsure of how to settle this within myself. Not sure exactly how to act in this situation. I pretty much feel at a loss. But then again... I think to myself... well, maybe it is time for this relationship to end for others to flourish... You never know.
So I am just waiting for bad thing number three to happen to me... we shall see.
Other than that. I am still really enjoying living on PSU campus. Its really nice. My roommmate is finally here and she really isnt that bad. She is pretty nice, and pretty laid back. Which is great. she doesnt mind the light on when she goes to sleep and that totally rocks because I just stay up all late for some reason... dunno why. lol. Its funner. LMAO.
Architecture classes are going well but really... I dont think it is really feasible for me... I mean, Im not really lazy but I really would rather a job that has... I dunno, some chance of money quickly after graduating and actually landing a job... It takes like 10-15 years to make a decent salary... and i dunno if I want to go that far... It seems like an awful lot for not very much. So I think I am going to try some engineering next term. I feel sort of lost... not knowing what I want to do, yet again. but I am trying to keep light hearted about it all...
I do have a goal for the year and so far with these lame situations (as previously stated) it has helped quite a bit!
There is always a bright side to everything horrible, things could be much worse.
That is my motto for the year. lol. Its helped so far!
SO, I am living on campus officially now. PSU campus, that is pretty neat I think. I just found out last thursday... it was a very stressful weekend!
But last night, I had a drink, and a smoke, and felt much better about things. It's going to be pretty nice living here. Maybe I wont ever want to leave. I have a pretty neat view out of my dorm window. I mean, its the highway, the dorm's community garden, and some houses up on the hill. I mean, it is WAY better than looking onto another building or even into someone else's room.
I have a roommate but... she isn't here yet? I am assuming that she had been living here fall term all by herself. Lucky her. I am pretty sure she was out of town all winter break and does not know that she is going to walk in and suddenly have a dorm-mate. ha. I hope all goes well! I hope she isn't lame, or a bitch, and I hope she and I can maybe even be friends. I dont want to feel awkward for the next 11 weeks. haha.
I am surprised that I got down here in one piece. The first time REALLY driving in downtown Portland, haha. I know, I'm a little pathetic. But I was so completely nervous that I was going to get lost. It's not that bad really.
Things are going too well for a Monday. I am happy at least. Tired, but happy. :D